thinking thin

Weighing myself is awful

Second good day in a row

I haven’t had one of these in over a year.  

Let’s go for day three.

I’ll be seeing my ex on Saturday because he is coming to a concert that I am working on campus. I just want to look hot, but seeing that I am 20 lbs heavier than I was when I left for college two years ago.

Fuck. FUCK. fuck. fuck. Fuck. 

Holy balls

Almost just ripped my nose off after drying my face.  I am not used to this nose piercing yet and holy balls that hurt so bad.

On the plus side, I worked out today.

On the down side I’ve been restricting more than ever and I gained a pound.

So what the fuck, I hate everything.

I cried the entire way home

I mean today was a boring day with a few little slip ups. Spilling coffee on myself,  not getting homework done, skipping a class, etc.

But as I left the parking garage there was this four way stop and it was my turn to go, as I start to turn left, one car barely stops and barrels through the intersection, the car to my right does the same, then the car across from me goes ahead and turns right as that is all going on.  I finally get out into the intersection and as I’m doing so other cars are abruptly stopping as if they are surprised that I am going.  

Now I have realized and accepted that in the past three months, people have just FORGOTTEN how four way stops work, but this got to me because it just made me feel like I was being walked all over.  People were taking advantage of my vulnerability and unsureness.  

Then I just starting thinking about all the people who I have let walk all over me that past few months. C, who is legitimately mad at me because I won’t have sex with him and thinks that my depression is just some excuse for being lazy. S, who led me on for a month and expressed how much he liked me only to cut me off and get hung up on some other girl.  Not to mention my roommates that always make me feel like the outsider, and all my coworkers who have no respect for how hard I work on my events and think they are better than me just because they have larger committee budgets.  

It all just makes me upset, and then I look in the mirror and I’m still fat.

Diet for the next five days:

Coffee, tea, water, and almonds

And nothing on Friday so I can drink LOTS of alcohol.  

Ready to relapse

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t start cutting but GOD I want to.

Last night was just a huge disaster and it’s all my fault.  If anything I’m just embarrassed and so angry at myself.

I could of had so much fun but instead I drank too much and ended up just being miserable. 

Wow I’ve been gone a while

I’m going to London next semester.

I got my nosed pierced and dyed my hair because I needed change.  To bad I’m still fat.

I had a 48 hour anxiety attack starting Sunday.  I probably should be taking my meds but fuck that. I hate the way they make me feel.

My anxiety is coming back.

That visit from B has really shaken me up.  I know I’ll never find anyone like him.  And I know he will never like me.  

Plus school is starting and I have to move, and apply for residency and pay bills and work and plan events for the semester. I haven’t worked out in over a week and I just feel fat, and hot, and tired and sick all the time. 

Is it January yet so I can turn 21 then go to England? B visiting was the only thing I was looking forward to and now that its over and done and messed with me, I can’t seem to look forward to anything.

I can’t be alone right now though.  I need to be around people, or god knows what I’ll do.

I hate nights when I can’t sleep

I just lie in bed and think about how fat I am.

B will be here in one week.  Everyone I talk to about him think we will have some beautiful romance develop and our weekend will be romantic and wonderful.

I know that nothing will happen.  He will always see me as a friend.  A good friend, but a friend and nothing more.  I just have to come to term with this.

I wish my friends were right but something like that will never happen to me.  Not with someone so perfect in every way. I’m lucky to even be friends with someone like that.  I shouldn’t be greedy and ask for more.