February 2012
19 posts
I need a real job
Right now I am a Jr. Chair in the Department of Student Activities. It’s great, I love it, but I don’t get paid for office hours. It’s a really stressful job and this weekend my senior chair and I just put on our first event. About 800 people showed and it was super successful. It just sucks because I only get paid for working events. I love my job and I really LOVE my...
1 tag
Tonight could have been really bad
I got so stressed out from all my work that I almost had a complete and total meltdown. Instead I went to AN’s dorm. We talked for a while and he filled me in on all the dorm gossip that they forget to tell me since I live off campus. Apparently one of our friends had a seizure the night I hooked up with BB. So of course no one brought up the knife, because someone else had real issues.
...
I'm ready to throw my computer out the window
It’s being a huge twat today.
In better news, I’ve only eaten 2 rice cakes today,
Going to pull an all nighter
I’m so tired but I have an exam tomorrow and I’ve missed the last two classes. Th only way I will have time to work out is if I do it early in the morning so that’s a reason too. I feel skinny today but I know as soon as I look in the mirror that will no longer be the case.
Also I really want to go home so I can cut. I need to so badly.
Sometimes I wonder
If people will ever care. I mean I had a rough weekend and demonstrated some red flags. No one mentioned anything to me after the fact. I was reallysrunk and was about to hook up with a friend. Before hand, I went to his bathroom and saw a large pocket knife. I tried to cut myself but didn’t have the dexterity to do anything. BB didnt do anything about it. I thought he would have told one...
I am so fat.
It's snowing
And sometimes I just really like standing in the cold.
Today is starting off well
Saturday is my pageant so I really need to make sure my body is ready for it. I’m really nervous because I was shopping for a different swimsuit yesterday and it was so embarrassing I couldn’t even look at myself.
This week I am cutting out all carbs, coffee and sweets. I have to drink 6 bottles of water a day, or more.
Already I worked out on the elliptical for an hour. Burned...
kayleighschmidt asked: Hey I give a "shot" about you, believe it or not.
I'm so lonely
I don’t mean pathetic “wahhhh I need a boyfriend” but, lonely as in I have no one.
My friends don’t even try to contact me anymore. I know they don’t give a shot about me.
Just applied to volunteer at the Humane Society
I hope I get to. I miss being around animals so much. They are just such wonderful loving creatures. Oh and I get to take photos of goats today for a journalism assignment so I am super excited for that. The last time I was at the farm getting audio R let me hold a baby goat and I about died.
Also, when I’m done with that I will be killing myself at the Rec center. One week til pageant.
Blah
I feel like I’m going to die. I’ve stopped taking my zoloft and now everything just feels fuzzy. Also, I’ve been nothing but cold for the past two days. It’s just been hard to function as a human being recently.
A week and a half
And I will be on stage in a swimsuit for a pageant. I look absolutely vial in my swimsuit as of today.
I just feel like a total failure. My body just looks like it has blobs of fat everywhere to prove to the world that I suck at something else.
It also sucks because I will be doing this pageant 100% by myself. My mom won’t be able to come and support me, and I don’t have any girl...
1 tag
Fast day one
I’ve decided to do a four day fast. I’m going to be so busy all week so I think it should be pretty easy to get through. The only issue is thy I have to make cupcakes Tuesday night for a bake sale so I know that will be tempting. Still I think I can do it.
I have a pageant in three weeks and I have to look good for it. God knows my legs are not acceptable right now.
Also, I am...
Honestly
I think I could live with myself if I didn’t have thunder thighs. But alas, I do. And they are disgusting so I won’t quit until they are gone.
Skinny girls everywhere
It’s like they’re mocking me.
Fast Day Three...
I can do it, I can do it.
My stomach has stopped growling and now I’m just feeling faint. Time to drink up more water.
I thought today was going to suck but then I bought a Dr Who poster at the poster sale that was on campus. Now I’m in a much better mood, except for the fact that I’m $9 poorer.
January 2012
11 posts
Another rejection
Why do I keep applying for things when I know I will just fail and get rejected
Fast day two:
Here we go…
I have been friend zoned by the most wonderful guy for the past four years. Everytime he texts me it hurts a little more because I know he only sees me as dear friend. He’s got a wonderful girlfriend that he loves and no matter how much I wish, I know it will never work. Still, he is a wonderful friend and I wouldn’t trade that freindship for anything. I just wish he saw me as...
Why must I be so pathetic?
last night was going so well and then I had to go and be nice. We were having a girls night and I met some girls that I actually like (a rare occasion). We saw The Artist and it was snowing and I felt happy. I went to my friends dorm and we wanted for some people to come back from a party. I ended giving one of our friends a ride home since we both live off campus. I’ve made out with this...
At first I really hated my schedule
If I’m not in class, I’m working. Well that means less time to eat. And that is wonderful.
I finally have WiFi in my apartment.
So now whenever I want to eat I can just pull up Tumblr on my IPod and realize it’s such a stupid idea.
Bad news: I’m having esophagus spasms that hurt so bad that I feel my chest is about to explode.
Good news: it hurts like he’ll to eat and drink so my parents won’t make me eat.
I wish I was back at school so I didn't have my...
i just have to make it to Sunday.
I can't even look in a mirror anymore
I just feel so fat and as if I have really let myself go. I’ve got my dad breathing down my neck to make sure I eat and everything has just become a daily struggle. I can’t sleep at night and then I sleep until noon with no motivation to do anything at all. I hate my body.
My Birthday is tomorrow...
20 years and nothing really to show for it. I shouldn’t feel old but I do.
December 2011
1 post
Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I...
4am on Thursday I was awake in my insomniac state. I really wanted to smoke, but since I live in an apartment with the RA that’s a stupid thing to do in the room. SO, instead I grabbed a blanket and warm clothes, packed a bowl and sat on the floor of the back seat of my car and smoked.
Yep, it was a low point.
I’ve decided to only go to one of my three classes today because I...
November 2011
2 posts
Sometimes I think I talk myself into these anxiety...
Seriously, can’t focus right now. It’s like my body is just freaking out for no apparent reason. I’m shaking and breathing incredibly heavy. I’m just chilling in the student center trying to talk myself down and relax but holy crap it’s just not helping.
I can’t wait to just take a hot shower and hopefully relax a bit. It needs to be three thirty so I can...
I'm back I'm back I'm back
and I’m staying with it this time. No more binging and no more hiding from this blog because I am ashamed of the binging. All you wonderful people are my motivation, not my enemies.
I’m back and I will prevail. I will reach my goal weight by the pageant in January so help me god.
Yes, I will. The end.
September 2011
2 posts
Oh how I have missed this blog
I’ve been too busy for anything and too poor to eat. I’ve also been too busy to work out so that is all counterproductive.
I’ve decided to go vegan until my pageant. It’s a short term goal so hopefully I can stick too it. I have a swimsuit to look good in and right now my thighs are thundering everywhere.
On a positive note, I’ve started to date someone. I...
August 2011
5 posts
4 tags
5 tags
5 tags
6 tags
Liquid fast today
I’m moving back to school in less than a week so I need to start my good habits again. Plus I have a pageant in a month and a half and I HAVE to be fit for that.
Stay tuned for thinspo
July 2011
13 posts
5 tags
4 tags
I fail
I just can’t lose any weight while being home. My friends come over and we have the best time cooking different foods and then having a meal together like adults. Today my friend Sarah came over and we made these AMAZING lavender cupcakes. Then my friend Glen and his boyfriend came over and we made egg drop soup, quesadillas, and tatar tots. Then the three of us sat down at a perfectly...
God I am a fucking whale.
It’s truly disgusting.
GOD I love running
But I’m still fat so I guess I need to keep at it. Sometimes I get out of shape and its so hard to get back into running. I forget how much I love it.
Still…. fat fat fat fat fat
5 tags
