thinking thin

Weighing myself is awful

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 20:30:08 -0500

Weighing myself is awful

Second good day in a row

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 22:09:28 -0500

I haven’t had one of these in over a year.

Let’s go for day three.

I’ll be seeing my ex on Saturday because he is coming to a concert that I am working on campus. I just want to look hot, but seeing that I am 20 lbs heavier than I was when I left for college two years ago.

Fuck. FUCK. fuck. fuck. Fuck.

Holy balls

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 00:27:28 -0500

Almost just ripped my nose off after drying my face. I am not used to this nose piercing yet and holy balls that hurt so bad.

On the plus side, I worked out today.

On the down side I’ve been restricting more than ever and I gained a pound.

So what the fuck, I hate everything.

I cried the entire way home

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 22:44:55 -0400

I mean today was a boring day with a few little slip ups. Spilling coffee on myself, not getting homework done, skipping a class, etc.

But as I left the parking garage there was this four way stop and it was my turn to go, as I start to turn left, one car barely stops and barrels through the intersection, the car to my right does the same, then the car across from me goes ahead and turns right as that is all going on. I finally get out into the intersection and as I’m doing so other cars are abruptly stopping as if they are surprised that I am going.

Now I have realized and accepted that in the past three months, people have just FORGOTTEN how four way stops work, but this got to me because it just made me feel like I was being walked all over. People were taking advantage of my vulnerability and unsureness.

Then I just starting thinking about all the people who I have let walk all over me that past few months. C, who is legitimately mad at me because I won’t have sex with him and thinks that my depression is just some excuse for being lazy. S, who led me on for a month and expressed how much he liked me only to cut me off and get hung up on some other girl. Not to mention my roommates that always make me feel like the outsider, and all my coworkers who have no respect for how hard I work on my events and think they are better than me just because they have larger committee budgets.

It all just makes me upset, and then I look in the mirror and I’m still fat.

Diet for the next five days:

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 09:47:28 -0400

Coffee, tea, water, and almonds

And nothing on Friday so I can drink LOTS of alcohol.

Ready to relapse

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 15:54:57 -0400

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy so I don’t start cutting but GOD I want to.

Last night was just a huge disaster and it’s all my fault. If anything I’m just embarrassed and so angry at myself.

I could of had so much fun but instead I drank too much and ended up just being miserable.

Wow I've been gone a while

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:31:03 -0400

I’m going to London next semester.

I got my nosed pierced and dyed my hair because I needed change. To bad I’m still fat.

I had a 48 hour anxiety attack starting Sunday. I probably should be taking my meds but fuck that. I hate the way they make me feel.

Photo

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:18:36 -0400

My anxiety is coming back. That visit from B has really shaken me up. I know I’ll never find...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 12:13:40 -0400

My anxiety is coming back.

That visit from B has really shaken me up. I know I’ll never find anyone like him. And I know he will never like me.

Plus school is starting and I have to move, and apply for residency and pay bills and work and plan events for the semester. I haven’t worked out in over a week and I just feel fat, and hot, and tired and sick all the time.

Is it January yet so I can turn 21 then go to England? B visiting was the only thing I was looking forward to and now that its over and done and messed with me, I can’t seem to look forward to anything.

I can’t be alone right now though. I need to be around people, or god knows what I’ll do.

I hate nights when I can't sleep

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 03:15:20 -0400

I just lie in bed and think about how fat I am.

Photo

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 00:37:35 -0400

Photo

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 00:35:36 -0400

Photo

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 00:34:45 -0400

B will be here in one week. Everyone I talk to about him think we will have some beautiful romance...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 14:05:20 -0400

B will be here in one week. Everyone I talk to about him think we will have some beautiful romance develop and our weekend will be romantic and wonderful.

I know that nothing will happen. He will always see me as a friend. A good friend, but a friend and nothing more. I just have to come to term with this.

I wish my friends were right but something like that will never happen to me. Not with someone so perfect in every way. I’m lucky to even be friends with someone like that. I shouldn’t be greedy and ask for more.

Photo

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:59:25 -0400

He makes me so happy

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 00:16:31 -0400

B will text me and I just get so happy.

I want to be so skinny when he gets here. I want him to think I look amazing and want to be with me. But my life is not a movie so chances are we will have a great time and we will remain only friends… forever.

Being fat sucks. But not being the girl that gets the guy sucks more.

I'm scared

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 12:55:10 -0400

Like really really scared. My life could change today.

Fuck today.

I hope I don't screw up

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 01:52:55 -0400

An old friend is coming to visit me at the end of July. I’ve liked him forever because he is just the most perfect human being ever created. I seriously have never met someone so understanding, kind, brave and funny. He just informed me that he broke up with his girlfriend, who I SWORE would be with him forever.

Anyhow, he is coming in three weeks and I need to look amazing…and just be amazing.

The more I think about the fact that maybe he has the same feelings toward me the more I look in the mirror and realize that I’m nothing compared to him. He’s beautiful inside and out. I’m just a blob of emotions and disorders. And I’m kind of a bitch. I try not to be but it happens. Plus, he has a thousand girl friends that he’s pretty close too so I’m sure I’m in that pile.

On the other hand, we send each other CDs every summer. I wonder if he does that for the others.

UGHHH this just sucks. It’s not going to happen, I just know it. I’m not that girl. Those things don’t happen to me. I don’t get the amazing guy.

hello. you gave me your password a while ago but i forgot the link to your progress blog. would you mind giving me the link to your progress blog again?

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 19:56:08 -0400

I actually deleted it a while ago because it was too hard to keep updating. Sorry about that.

everyday

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 13:21:09 -0400

everyday